After that last meeting, another was arranged. Fighting back a little, I compiled a list of the areas where I thought I had done well. Unfortunately, my union rep couldn’t be present due to prior commitments.
An update was also released for another project that had been thoroughly tested. There was an issue with it in some cases that had not been found before. It was added to a list of things to check.
They said they understood what you were saying at the meeting, but didn’t care. There should be no issues! I was going to cause an international embarrassment for my company!
Another issue cropped up, causing problems for several people. This was a substantial piece of work to fix, and my bosses disagreed on the solution and priority. One manager said that no matter the size of the work involved, it should be looked into. The other said not to look into this, as there are other solutions. Regardless, this is my fault! If something goes wrong at a bank when submitting a mortgage payment, you don’t expect the bank to ask you if they should resubmit it. They would just do it. I wondered what would happen if you had arranged an alternative payment method and then made a double payment. Ultimately, I hadn’t taken ownership of this situation, which caused concern.
Communication with the client had improved. Now, there were issues with work being completed on time. One of the checks on the system was failing, and instead of fixing the problem immediately on Live with thousands of people using it, I tested it on a Staging environment. I wondered how I could be too thorough in one instance and not enough in another.
At the end of the meeting, I was asked to present my views. Having prepared in advance, I handed out a copy of the work I felt I had done well. I could have done this a little better – instead of a list of the work, I could have submitted a detailed explanation of where I had done well and the current policies that were not being followed. I could have given it to them before the meeting. Based on what happened next, it would have made no difference. One boss scanned the list in 30 seconds and said, “Well, looking through this, I help people all the time so helping people is just something that is expected.” Some clients are having issues with the project, so this list doesn’t matter. Another boss says he has a counterexample for every example of being good. Human Resources asked if I felt that the Improvement Plan had been achieved. Yes, this list demonstrates that it has been fully achieved. Regardless, there are some concerns, and I have 2 months to improve!
I started working on 2 new projects. One of the most eccentric ladies, but with the best banter, is the contact. I drew up a diary and realised that what was being asked was impossible with the time available. Having an 80-hour project + a 37-hour project to complete in 3 weeks, and many small tasks that make up a day. Feeling a little despondent, I informed my manager that I wouldn’t meet the deadline. I will meet this deadline as it is unmovable. Halfway through these projects, an emergency arises, and I spend most of the second week coordinating communications with 4 different groups across the country. I sorted out the emergency and returned to the original work.
Before the emergency, I sent a quote to my manager for one of the projects. Chasing it up 1 and a half weeks later, I got the reply – “What is this quote for? I stopped reading after the first line. Half an hour to do a simple task that has been done before?” I felt like I had been totally let down in communication. The reply was not only rude but also completely unhelpful. Another issue came up, and I found a novel solution, although unfortunately, I added two more records than I needed. I was praised for finding the solution and told off for adding two more records – quite correctly. In another meeting with a manager, he told me, “I don’t know what you do, but I think I could do it better”. Excellent, I said. I will tail you doing my job so that I might learn how to do it better. Stop being so pedantic. It was a throwaway comment and should not be taken seriously.
I found a training course that I thought would save me a lot of time in the long term. No, this is useless. Just a lot of common sense. On another occasion, I was left to finish a task on a Friday afternoon because my manager had to leave early. I discovered I didn’t have the correct permissions to complete the task and asked for assistance. There was no reply. Later that evening, I got an email stating that I failed the task as it was meant to be finished before I left. It’s not a pleasant email to get on a Friday evening.
After all of these issues, I discovered that my main project wouldn’t be possible to put live on the date the client had set, as the customer’s contact will be on holiday for the week before it is due to be finished. They understandably don’t want to go live on their first day back.
Chatting with a colleague one afternoon on the way home, I discovered he had been offered a redeployment. I decided to investigate whether a similar route was available to me. Unfortunately, there was no other department to go to.
My final meeting with them arrived. I said that I have coped under very challenging circumstances. I was really pleased with the way I had handled the emergency. Well, those circumstances wouldn’t have arisen without some forward planning. I tell them that the client has not prioritised or scheduled time to move a week-long project from a failing server. Presumably, I don’t schedule a time to go to the toilet, was the reply. Please note that if I am ever in the bathroom for a week, I may have died, so please call an ambulance. I was then informed that a client had complained about me, but I am not allowed to know who or what they complained about in case it negatively impacts my work with them. Following the meeting, Human Resources and my Trade Union rep suggested that taking a demotion would stop all of these plans and meetings. Taking a step back at this time might be advantageous to my career. I might like to recruit a mentor using the Mentoring programme.
Pondering this, I arranged a meeting with Human Resources to discuss the demotion. This was a new lady from Human Resources. I mentioned that, in my opinion, there was a culture of bullying within the department. Alarm bells went above her head, and she said I should reconsider this statement. I told her I didn’t want to pursue it at the moment. If I proceed with the demotion, I will take a £10,000 pay cut. I would have less responsibility. I wouldn’t have any meetings to be attacked in. I told her I would consider it, and I signed up to get a mentor.
In my first mentor meeting, she asked me where I wanted to be when I was 40. What are my plans? How will I achieve them? I should be responsible for organising training and managing my manager’s expectations. Maybe we are all at fault in this situation.
During this time, and after bottling it with one very pretty girl who made me late for hockey, I decided I wanted to learn better interpersonal skills and appear more attractive. A few of the lessons taught me the different roles you can play – either being non-judgemental with self-integrity or being weaker, trying to undermine people and attack them, demonstrating your low self-esteem. I also learned the various uses of eye contact in different situations.
I decided to meet with my manager to find out if there is a middle ground so I would lose slightly less than £10,000. I already knew the answer before going in. This meeting is just to gauge his reaction and work out his game plan. No, that is what you are being offered. I looked into his eyes and saw everything. The fear because he didn’t have a plan, the bitterness of the last few years and the anger. Looking back, I see a little sadness there, too. I smiled at him, shook his hand and quietly left, feeling pleased.
After this meeting, I emailed Human Resources and signed up for the demotion. This was processed and signed off. Imagine my surprise when I received a new Performance Improvement Plan for a job I wasn’t even doing yet! I consulted with my Trade Union rep, who told me under no circumstances sign such a thing. In fact, his words were “Rip it up”. Cue weekly emails asking me to sign.
One morning, two weeks later, I got up for work, and my mind was numb. I couldn’t think about going to work. I was trying to think of stupid things I could do in the house to keep me from leaving. I was terrified of leaving the house. I pushed myself out the door. I recall standing underneath the bridge at Cameron Toll and making a deal with myself – if I continued feeling like this at the end of the day, I wouldn’t go in tomorrow. I conveyed my deal to Human Resources, who agreed. At the end of the day, I was still panicking and numb. I went to a self-defence class and calmed down a bit, but not enough. Eventually, my parents came in to get me. They took me home for a whisky and to stay in the family home.
The next day, I went to the doctor and told him about the last few years and that I had a meeting with Human Resources on Tuesday to discuss the next steps. He said to go into the meeting and sign off for a month if you feel panicky. Your body is naturally reacting to the environment you are in. It is the fight-or-flight response. There is nothing you can do about it. Here are some leaflets about a stress course. Please come back to discuss this with the councillor/listening service.
I was not invited to any meetings at work, so I organised one myself with Human Resources. They told me that even if I do not sign the Improvement Plan, I will have to sign up for something that could result in my dismissal in October. I handed over the doctor’s note and signed myself off for a month.
This is actually my second-to-last post about Work-Related Stress. I’m sorry for the long read, and thank you for taking the time to read it.
Please contact me if you need any of the materials I was given regarding Stress or Assertiveness.
Read on for the final Part 8
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